


Back to you

by Ineffablemurderhusbands



Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain Marvel (2019)
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Erotic Dreams, F/F, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Guilt, I realize this is more Carol/reader than Bucky/Reader, Implied/Referenced Cheating, Nightmares, Sex, Survivor Guilt, it's not poly sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-01
Updated: 2020-08-06
Packaged: 2021-03-02 18:53:44
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 18,484
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24481570
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ineffablemurderhusbands/pseuds/Ineffablemurderhusbands
Summary: You used to date Bucky when the blip occurred.You grieved him but eventually fell in love with Carol.What happens when Bucky comes back?
Relationships: Carol Danvers/Reader, James "Bucky" Barnes/Reader
Comments: 24
Kudos: 65





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Ok, so this fanfic was supposed to be much bigger because I was going to drag the angst a lot more than I did but I didn't want it to be boring, so I decided to shorten it, so it's a fanfic just shy of 19k. This fanfic is already finished but I'll be posting chapters quite frequently I hope and if you guys enjoy the plot I can maybe write a sequel with what I had thought about. Just let me know ok? Please leave kudos and comments.

It’s funny how everything can change for the worse in a snap of fingers. That day had started with you already feeling anxious because Bucky was away in a mission and no matter his skills you always felt worried when he was away. He was away in Wakanda in a secret mission while you were stuck in New York and getting ready to go to work. Your relationship with Bucky had been a surprise, neither of you had seen it coming. You had met Bucky while he was in hiding after he had escaped from Hydra’s clutches and ended up falling in love with him. He had been your door neighbor and you always bumped into him when you were going to work. Bucky always kept his head down as he apologized with his hair covered by a cap. Bucky was also eerily quiet in his apartment to the point that if you didn’t bump into him occasionally you would think the apartment was vacant.

Your friendship started when you came home one night and found him disassociating in your shared corridor and you helped him go through it even after he tried to choke you, lifting up your body against the wall with vacant eyes. You had never been more afraid in your life but something shone inside of you and even feeling your windpipe get slowly crushed, you managed to croak out some words that made him blink and let you go with a shocked gasp. Bucky immediately dropped to the ground, away from you on the other wall and grabbed his head in between his hands as he frantically apologized and went into a full blown panic attack.

You should have ran away from him and called the police but it wasn’t what you did, instead you crouched next to Bucky and told him to breathe and that everything was fine and he was safe. Somehow you managed to cut through his panic haze and took him to your apartment where you made him cocoa while applying a cold compress against your rapidly purpling neck. Bucky was apologetic the whole time but you knew it wasn’t his fault. That night he told you his whole story and your heart ached for him.

It was a month into the friendship that he confessed his feelings for you and you could breathe in relief as you told him that you reciprocated his feelings. You two were be a happy couple for a while until shit hit the fan and Bucky was found. The Civil War was just around the corner and Bucky had to go into hiding again but not before you met the Avengers. Steve had a special place in your heart being Bucky’s best friend and you made him promise that he would keep Bucky safe no matter what. He had promised you that he would.

A few months later you moved to New York so you could be closer to all the action, although you could understand why Stark hated your boyfriend so much. You didn’t actually hate Tony and neither he hated you but he couldn’t understand why you were in love with a murderer. Finally, one late night over beer, he admitted to you that he wasn’t mad at Bucky per see but at Steve. He could understand that Bucky had been under the total influence of Hydra but he couldn’t understand why Steve had lied to him if he called him a friend. His resentment was bigger towards Steve than Bucky but it was still there. He wouldn’t be able to totally forgive Bucky for killing his mother and you could understand that.

After that whole debacle had been settle, Bucky had moved in with you and although it had been for a short time, you two had been extremely happy in your little New York apartment.

The last time you had seen Bucky was when he said goodbye to you before going to Wakanda to try and get better and you kissed him passionately, almost begging him not to go. When he woke up from his crio sleep you were over the moon that you could talk with him again and you longed to see him. Bucky promised you that one more mission and he would be done, he would leave Wakanda and come back to you now that he wasn’t a fugitive anymore. You hanged up the phone worried for him but happy that he would come home to you. Bucky not coming back wasn’t an option.

You knew bits and pieces about his missions and that they were after a megalomaniacal alien named Thanos but you didn’t know how serious the situation was. You went to work like it was a normal day, greeting your coworkers as you made your way into your workplace. You were a total civilian and that was one of the things Bucky loved most about you, you kept him grounded into the real world. It was your lunch break when it happened. You were just chatting with your work friend Barbara when she started to fade to dust right before your eyes and several of your coworkers as well. You yelled in fright as you saw the people disappear and somehow you knew that Bucky was gone.

It had happened everywhere, exactly half the world’s population was gone in the blink of an eye. You stumbled home as you heard wails of despair everywhere and holed yourself in your apartment as tears fell down your eyes. You cried for your friends and family that were gone but especially for Bucky. You were sure he was gone.

Your answer came three days after the snap in the form of a knock on your door. As soon as you opened it and found Steve there, looking so stricken and defeated you felt your legs giving up from under you as sobs wrecked your body. Steve held you and sank with you to the floor as you sobbed into his shirt and punched his chest as you yelled at him.

“YOU PROMISED ME STEVE!” You said frantically. “YOU TOLD ME YOU WOULD PROTECT HIM, YOU BASTARD!”

Steve took the punches without even moving, just holding you tighter. He only grabbed your wrists when he was sure that if you kept punching him, you would hurt yourself. Your knuckles were hurting and you were sure they would be bruised because Steve’s body was hard as a rock but it didn’t matter. Everything and everyone you ever loved was gone.

After you calmed yourself, Steve told you what had happened as he prepared coffee for the two of you. You just felt numb now, like all the joy in the world was gone. A mad part of you was happy that Steve felt the same. He left you a few hours later, telling you that he would keep in contact if something happened.

Steve called you exactly eighteen days later to tell you that they had found Stark and Nebula. You told him you would be right over.


	2. Chapter 2

It felt like you were in a never ending nightmare as you finally reached the compound. Inhaling deeply, you made your way into the place since you knew all the passwords and codes. You only managed to exhale when you reached the room were the remaining Avengers were. They were all in a circle staring at Tony who was looking ghastly thin and on the verge of dying while Nebula had a protective hand on his shoulder. He was hooked on IV’s but his angry voice echoed in the closed space clearly. You stopped in your tracks as you watched Tony looking so tired, mad, sad and defeated. He looked like the personification of what you were feeling.

There was a woman next to him that you had never seen before. She was tall and lean but you could tell she was muscular by the way her biceps were straining in her crossed arms under the black tank top she was wearing. She had long blonde hair and was wearing leather trousers that looked part of a uniform. Her posture was perfect so you guessed she was military. It felt like she sensed you thinking about her because as soon as you stopped assessing her she looked up from Tony and straight into your eyes. Her eyes were hazel-green from what you could see from afar and she looked you up and down, probably assessing if you were dangerous or not. The look on her face told you that she thought you were not a threat right away.

“Heads up, we’ve got company.” She said and suddenly all Avengers were staring directly at you. You felt nervous under all their gazes. You considered yourself well acquainted with all of them over the years but you had a deeper connection with Steve, Natasha, Thor and Tony, not counting the fallen Avengers.

“Y/N!” All of them exclaimed.

“Hi guys.” You waved faintly and walked closer to them, staring at Tony. “You look terrible.”

Tony snorted. “I’m glad to see you alive too.” Then he winced. “I’m sorry about the boyfriend.” He said.

“You’re not really but thanks.” You say. “I’m glad you’re alive. I don’t think Earth would be Earth without your snark in it.”

“I really am sorry; If not for him, for you.” He said. “Kid, I think Earth would have been fine without me if it meant everyone else was here.” He sighed.

“I’m sorry, but what is a civilian doing here?” The woman next to Tony asked the group and you glared at her, annoyed at her tone.

“The civilian has a name, you know.” You say to her and she stares at you. “Who are you anyway?”

“I’m Captain Marvel.” She responds. “And you are…?”

“Y/N.” You say. “Now, that everyone is acquainted with everyone can someone explain to me why Tony is here and not resting since he looks like shit?” You place your hands on your hips as you looked around.

“Hey!” Tony exclaimed weakly.

“We’ve been talking about going after Thanos.” Natasha answered you.

“And what good is that going to make?” You said harshly. “We already lost half the world, we can’t lose you guys too.”

“Maybe we can make him undo what he did.” Steve reasoned.

“Oh yes, and that went so well last time!” You rolled your eyes feeling the anger boil. Now you could understand why Tony had been so angry, you were too.

“Last time you didn’t have me.” Captain Marvel piped in and you turned around to look at her again. You really wanted to wipe out that confidence out of her tone of voice.

“And where were you Miss Oh-so-powerful?” You stared at her. “Because last time I checked you weren’t here!”

“Well, there’s a lot more places in the Galaxy that needed saving and those places unfortunately didn’t had the Avengers.” She said, crossing her arms and stepping towards you.

“Yes well, Earth doesn’t have a good part of them anymore.” You said, staring her down or at least trying to. You two were really close to each other now as you two argued. “We could have used some help, maybe things would have turned out differently.”

“It’s not my fault that those things happened, Y/N.” She muttered.

“You’re right, Captain.” You sighed, feeling the anger leave your body entirely. Fighting her was useless, you weren’t mad at her but at the situation.

“Carol.” She gave a tentative smile, all fight leaving her body too. “Call me Carol.”

You smiled at her too before you continued. “But who said you could possibly defeat Thanos?” You asked and she smirked confidently.

“Who’s your most powerful Avenger?” She asked, looking around.

“Alive?” You said. “Thor.” You pointed at Thor who had been sitting in a corner looking gloomy.

“I could take him.” She said confidently.

“He’s an Asgardian.” You crossed your arms and looked at her in disbelief.

“Still could take him.” She nodded as she watched Thor getting up from his seat and walking towards her, stopping and staring her down. Thor was much taller than her but she didn’t move an inch, not even when he called Stormbreaker and the axe came hurtling towards her, passing an inch from her head. Carol merely smirked.

”I like this one.” Thor said with a goofy smile towards you.

“Fine, maybe you guys do have a chance against Thanos.” You rolled your eyes.

“We don’t have a chance!” Tony exclaimed, getting up from his seat. “If you guys don’t remember he still has all the stones! I will not endorse this and…” Tony wasn’t able to finish his sentence since he collapsed on the ground and in a second everybody was on him, but it was Carol who reached him first, carrying him in her arms as she checked his vitals.

“I’ll take him to sick bay.” She exclaimed and then she was off with a frantic Nebula following her.

You sighed and decided to go to the cafeteria since the Avenger’s didn’t seemed like they were done arguing and you didn’t want to see Tony in the state he was.

You were nursing a cup of tea when Carol found you, a bit later into the evening. You watched as she brewed herself a cup of coffee and sat down in front of you.

“How’s Tony?” You asked.

“He’s going to live.” She sighed. “He’s just extremely malnourished and dehydrated. His wife is with him right now.”

You gave a tiny smile at the idea of Pepper and Tony reuniting. Unfortunately not all of you had the same luck.

“Who did you lose?” Carol asked suddenly and you looked up into her eyes. She winced. “Sorry, about the lack of tact. It’s just that you looked really sad for a moment and I know that look.”

“I lost a lot of people.” You muttered. “Friends, family… The love of my life.”

“I’m sorry.” She says. “I lost my family too.”

“I’m sorry for your loss.” You said to her. “I feel like the snap robbed us of the chance to say a proper goodbye and getting closure.” You confessed. You didn’t know why you were opening up your heart to Carol of all people, when you barely knew her but something about her made you feel comfortable in sharing. “I said goodbye to Bucky with the promise that when he came back he would retire and we would get married and live as civilians. But then he was gone. Turned into dust and I wasn’t even with him.” You could feel the tears welling up and Carol reached and grabbed your hand in hers. “Just the thought of never seeing him again crushes me.”

“Maybe it’s not the end.” She whispered but you shook your head.

“Don’t give me hope, Carol. I don’t think going after Thanos now will do anything, even with your help.” You said. “I don’t want to believe that Bucky and everyone else is gone but I have to if I want to survive.”

“I understand.” She said. “If I can promise you anything…” You interrupted her by placing your finger softly on her lips.

“Please don’t promise me anything either. Steve promised to keep Bucky safe and look where that got us.”

“It’s not his fault.” She said.

“I know, but part of me still blames him a little.” You sighed. “Go, you must be late to hunt down Thanos.” You said as you realized she was wearing her full uniform.

“Are you going to be ok?” She asked.

“I should be the one asking you that.” You huffed but she merely kept looking at you. “I’m going to be fine. Please don’t die as well.”

She smirked. “I’ll do my best.”

You said your goodbyes and then she was gone. You hoped it would not be your last goodbye to her.

They had killed Thanos, but it was with no victory since he had destroyed the Gauntlet already, thus being impossible to bring everyone back. Tony moved to the countryside with Pepper after this and everyone tried to move on in their own ways. You threw yourself at work, trying to forget the gaping hole in your heart.

A few weeks later you came back home from work, feeling numb. It was all that you felt now days, just numbness as you tried to survive. Not live, no, survive. Because what you were doing could not be called living. You woke up, showered, ate and went to work, to come back home to an empty apartment where you sometimes cried yourself to sleep or stared into the wall for hours in silence until it was your time to sleep. You knew it wasn’t healthy but you couldn’t stop. You were currently preparing something to eat on your stove when you felt a presence and heard light steps behind you. Without looking, you grabbed the handle of the pan you were not cooking with and as fast as you could you turned around and threw the pan, hitting the person straight in the face with it.

“Ouch.” Carol said but her face was impassive, like you hadn’t just watched the pan hitting her straight in the face in almost slow motion.

“CAROL, OH MY GOSH!” You yelled, placing your hands in your mouth as you gasped. “I’M SO SORRY, I THOUGHT IT WAS AN INTRUDER.”

“It’s fine.” She made a dismissive hand gesture as she bended down to pick up your pan. “Nice reflexes.”

“Thanks.” You blushed. “What are you doing here?” Then you frowned. “Wait, how are you here?”

“Your window is open and I can fly, draw your own conclusions.” She shrugged as she placed the pan in the counter. “What are you making? Smells amazing.” She walked towards you and leaned over your shoulder to look at the stove as you turned around to stare at your food. Carol was not wearing her uniform this time, she was dressed in simple jeans, converses and a Nirvana t-shirt. She looked good.

“It’s just some pasta.” You shrugged. “Something happened?” You asked, turning off the stove since the food was ready and turning towards her, almost bumping into Carol since she was so close to you.

“Nope.” She put emphasis on the p. “Just checking up on you.”

“Did Steve put your up to this?” You placed your hands on your hips, suddenly annoyed. Steve dropped by every couple of weeks to check up on you as well as Natasha.

“No, Steve doesn’t even know that I’m here.” Carol said, putting her hands up like she was surrendering. “Girl scout’s honor.”

You huffed. “I don’t even know if you were an actual girl scout.”

“Me either, I was brainwashed for years so some memories are fuzzy.” She sighed. “I do know that I was in a baseball little league and I am amazing at tying knots so I must have been a girl scout.”

You gasped. “W-What?”

“It’s a long story.” She scratched her neck awkwardly.

“Would you like to stay for dinner?” You asked and she positively beamed at you as she nodded. You instantly knew you wanted to make her smile like that more.

You two had dinner together and Carol told you her story and in counterpart you told her your story with Bucky. Having Carol for dinner was the first time you laughed after the snap, as she told you a ridiculous story about her alien cat, Goose. A bond was formed that night between you two but you would deny for the next months that it was of a romantic volition even if anyone thought otherwise.


	3. Chapter 3

Steve still came to see you every week and he started to notice your change in demeanor as well as Natasha when she came with him.

“You look happier.” He commented in one of your encounters over Chinese food.

You stopped with your fork halfway to your mouth. “Huh?”

“You do.” Natasha said. She was starting to grow her hair out again and her ginger roots were starting to appear.

“I have no idea what you guys are talking about.” You shrugged.

“That little spark in your eyes is back.” Natasha said, biting down on a spring roll.

“Does this has something to do with Carol?” Steve asked with no tact and Natasha kicked his ankle under the table.

“Wh-what?” You gasped, almost choking in your diet coke.

“It’s just that you’ve been spending a lot of time with her lately.” Natasha started softly. “Not that there’s anything wrong with that!” Natasha said. “We were just wondering if…”

“You two are dating?” Steve finished Natasha’s sentence for her.

“NO!” You gasped. “I love Bucky, guys! I’ll always be in love with Bucky.”

“We know!” Natasha said frantically. “But there’s nothing wrong with having feelings for someone else.”

“Bucky would have wanted you to be happy, Y/N.” Steve said with a sad little smile.

“I don’t have feelings for her.” You said firmly. “Can we change the subject?”

Just like that the two of them dropped the subject but now the idea had been planted in your mind. Did you have feelings for Carol? It was no secret that you were bisexual but once you met Bucky you were sure he was your one and only and nobody else would compare to him. But now… You couldn’t deny that Carol brought happiness back to your life. She always made you laugh and you felt like you could talk to her about everything because she would understand you and not judge you. There was no denying that you were attracted to her, because Carol was absolutely gorgeous. She was kind, passionate, sarcastic and confident and you loved all of these little things about her. But you were sure your heart would always be Bucky’s. Bucky, who was also kind and funny, and made you feel like you were the most important woman in the world. Bucky, who had the smile that could light up the darkest of days and whom you love with all your heart. Now, you weren’t so sure anymore that your heart only belonged to him.

The only thing you could do after coming to that realization was cut off all contact with Carol. You couldn’t fathom the thought that you disowned Bucky’s memory by being interested in someone else so you thought that maybe if you stopped seeing Carol your feelings for her would go away. Avoiding her was quite hard because it felt like the little happiness you had in your life had disappeared again.

You had been successfully avoiding her for three months when you came back home one evening and found her lounging in your living room with a cup of coffee in her hand, her full Captain Marvel uniform and pixie short hair.

“Hello, dumb face.” She said to you when you just stood there with your mouth open as you stared at her. “Long time no see.”

“C-Carol.”

“Yes, so you do remember me.” She said sarcastically as she placed her mug on your coffee table and rose to her full height. “I was under the impression that you had disappeared too like half of the world. Maybe an after-effect of the blip.” She said ironically. It was then that you realized that Carol was hiding how hurt she was under anger. “Why are you avoiding me?”

“I’m not avoiding you, I’ve just been busy.” You say, not being able to look her in the eyes. You had a problem, you never could lie to the people that you loved and cared about. The only way you could do it was by averting your eyes and that was a huge tell.

“Bullshit.” She spat. “Did I do anything that you didn’t like?” She whispered and you looked at her. Carol looked no longer angry but concerned, like it was her fault that you were completely stupid.

“No, no! Of course not Carol!” You said shaking your hands frantically.

“Then what happened?” She asked. “I thought we had a good thing going on.”

You sighed. “I’ve just been having a rough couple of weeks lately.” You omitted why but you thought you owned her at least the edited truth.

“I understand that.” She sighed. “But shutting down your friends isn’t the way to do it. We can help, you know.” She gave a tentative smile.

“I know.” You smiled back.

“Friends again?” She asked.

“We’ve never stopped being friends, Carol.” You say.

“Cool.” She says.

“So, the new hair?” You ask with a little smirk. “What happened?”

Carol shrugs slightly but you can see her cheeks flushing lightly. “You don’t like it?”

“I never said that.” You say. “I think it’s lovely, it surely brings up your hotness level.”

“I thought my hotness level was already off the charts.” She winks and this time the one who blushes is you.

“True.” You say. “But still.”

You two stare at each other for a moment before Carol clears her throat and looks away. “My hair could have had an accident with a spaceship propulsion engine.” 

You snort. “Are you telling me that your hair caught on fire?” Carol nods and you burst out laughing. “OH MY GOSH! Aren’t you supposed to be almost invulnerable or something?”

“Apparently my hair isn’t.” She says with an almost pout, only making you laugh harder.

“This makes no sense.” You said in between pants as you put your hands in your aching belly. “How scorched was it?”

“Let’s say that the reason I have a pixie right now is because it was the only haircut it could have been done.” You snorted again. “As you said I am almost invulnerable so I didn’t realize that my hair was burning.”

“Jesus, Carol.” You laugh harder. She rolls her eyes at you and tosses a pillow at you, hitting you squarely in the face with it.

“Yes, laugh all you want. I am aware that I am a complete idiot.”

You smile and walk towards her, lifting your hand to run through her short tresses. “Hey, you’re my idiot.” You say softly and she smiles back at you. “But as I said, you look good. It suits you.”

“Thanks, Y/N.” She says and then she gives a shit eating grin. “Your idiot, huh? That sounds suspiciously like flirting to me.” You instantly take your hand away from her short tresses and steps back, like her hair was still on fire. You could feel your face heating up.

“You’re funny.” You say, your voice hoarse like you had just choked on your own words. You turn away from Carol, walking towards your kitchen.

Carol frowns at your back, a suspicion forming in her mind.

“Do you want to order in?” You ask, picking up the phone.

“Sure.” She says wiping up the frown from her face and smiling at you as you turn around to ask her. Carol dropped the subject. For now. But a little hope blossomed in her heart that day. Maybe you felt the same for her as she felt for you.


	4. Chapter 4

The next person to touch on the subject was surprisingly Thor. Since he went away to live in New Zealand with the remaining Asgardians, you hadn’t been able to contact him freely before he settled in fully. It took some months until you were finally able to talk to him, part was because of the settling arrangements and the other was because of Thor’s crippling depression. Since the fall of his planet and Loki’s death, Thor had been battling with his depression, although he acted like he didn’t have anything. He was drowning in unhealthy coping mechanisms like drinking and eating in excess which resulted in an alarming gain of weight, since coupled with that he spent all of his time sleeping or sitting down playing video games. You usually videochated with Valkyrie for updates regarding his condition since he was often “unavailable” to chat himself.

“So…I’ve heard that you and Danvers are getting along.” It was the first thing he said when you were finally able to contact him via facetime. Thor’s hair and beard had grown a few good inches since you last saw him and he looked chubbier.

“How have you heard that, you haven’t spoken to anyone in months!” You exclaimed, frustrated.

“I have my sources.” He said.

“Valkyrie!” I hiss between my teeth.

“So what’s the deal?”

“There’s nothing to talk about. We’re friends.” I huff out.

“The first time you two saw each other there were definitely some sparks.” He raised his eyebrows suggestively.

“There was no such thing.” I pouted.

“I was there, there was.” He said.

I sigh. “She’s nice.” I say. “But I’m still in love with Bucky.”

“Y/N, you’ll always be in love with Bucky.” Thor said seriously. “That’s never going to change, even if you find yourself in love with someone else.”

“I’m not in love with her.” You snap.

Thor merely sighed. He looked exhausted and you could relate to that. “Bucky would want for you to be happy.”

“Yes, everybody keeps telling me that but unfortunately he is not here to tell me that himself.” You say bitterly. You two stare at each other through the lenses of the camera with the same haunted and sad look in your eyes. “It’s not fair.” You can feel your eyes watering and you look away from him for a moment.

“It never is.” He says with a sigh.

After your talk with Thor you made him promise that he would keep in touch from now on and he told you to go for it regarding Carol. Still, you couldn’t fathom the idea of being with someone else. Christ! It hadn’t been even a year yet from his death. Bucky deserved better and although your heart ached for Carol, you couldn’t do that to him. But that meant that your heart had a life of its own.

The first time you had kissed Carol you had blamed it on Hozier of all people. You had been hearing your personal playlist while you made dinner and Carol moved some boxes inside the apartment for you. You were fully taking advantage of her strength as your other powerful friends were away in missions. You had decided to move to another apartment since the one you lived now only reminded you of Bucky and the life you two could have had together. It was heartbreaking having to come back to the empty space and you felt like the walls were suffocating you, so you asked Tony for help to find a new apartment.

You had boxed all of your belongings already but you hadn’t been able to touch Bucky’s things yet. It was part of the reason why Carol was there, to help you out. You needed moral support and since Steve wasn’t currently available to help, Carol was your next bet.

“This is your last book box.” Carol said as she placed it next to the door. “You have a lot of books.” She looked around. Most of the furniture was already packed, only remaining the couch, the stove that you were currently cooking on and most of your bedroom. You hadn’t touched Bucky’s side of the wardrobe yet.

“I really like reading.” It was all you said.

“Well, most things are already packed.” Carol said. “I’m gonna miss this apartment.” She said looking around.

“Me too.” You sighed. “But it’s time for me to move on.” You whispered and Carol nodded.

She was going to say something else but then Hozier’s Movement started playing and she opened up the most amazing smile. “Wow, I absolutely love this song.”

“Same.” You responded. “I’m really glad he didn’t disappear in the snap.”

“Yes, Britney Spears will be missed.” She sighed.

“C’mon dance with me.” She asked and you turned off the stove to look at her. Carol was dancing with her arms open, eyes closed and a little pleased smile on her lips. She was dressed in light washed jeans, boots and a white shirt.

“I’m not sure this is a dancing song, Carol.” You said.

“Any song is a dancing song if you’re committed enough.” She responded. You couldn’t help staring at her swaying hips as she danced to the slow paced song.

_You are a call to motion_

_There, all of you a verb in perfect view_

_Like Jonah on the ocean_

_When you move, I'm moved_

There was no more fitting song to Carol’s effect in your life, you realized. She truly was a call to motion, anything she did made you completely fascinated. Just hearing her laugh made your heart soar and as you stood there looking at her dancing, just feeling the song in her soul, you realized that you couldn’t escape anymore. You were in love with her.

_You are the rite of movement_

_Its reasonin' made lucid and cool_

_I know it's no improvement_

_When you move, I move_

Carol opened her eyes and found you staring at her fondly. Her lips opened in a easy and lazy smile and she whispered. “Come. Please.” As she reached a hand for you, not stopping in her motions. You couldn’t deny such call. You walked closed to her and starting dancing on the same rhythmic as her. She giggled. “Don’t look so stiff, just feel the music in your body.” She whispered to you placing her hands on your hips and guiding you closer to hers. How were you supposed to tell her that the reason why you were so stiff was because you weren’t even hearing the music anymore but because you were completely focused on how close she was to you.

_When you move_

_I can recall somethin' that's gone from me_

_When you move_

_Honey, I'm put in awe of somethin' so flawed and free_

Hozier kept singing beautifully one of your favorite songs but all of your senses were focused on Carol. You were focused on how gorgeous her eyes were, the perfect combination of hazel and green, depending on how the light hit them. How you were so close to her that you could see the faint freckles she had on the bridge of her nose. How her hands appeared to fit perfectly on your hips and how without noticing you two were moving in sync with the song.

Ooh, ooh, ooh

_So move me, baby_

_Shake like the bough of a willow tree_

_You do it naturally_

_Move me, baby_

Carol was muttering the chorus of the song and you were in awe at how good she sounded. It made you earn to hear it more often. You wanted to hear it as you woke up in the morning with her raspy and sleepy voice against your ear in bed. You wanted to hear it every day of your life.

_Ooh, ooh, ooh_

_Oh baby, oh baby_

_Move like grey skies_

_Move like a bird of paradise_

_Move like an odd sight come out at night_

As Carol leaned forwards, you realized you desperately wanted to kiss her. You wanted to feel the lyrics of the beautiful song on her tongue and see how they tasted. Like she could hear your thoughts, Carol closed the space between your mouths and kissed you deeply as the song came to an end. You buried your hand in her short hair and you kissed her back with every repressed feeling you had buried deep inside of you throughout the time you knew her. Carol’s hands settled on your waist firmly as you two kissed in the middle of your sad and almost empty living room. You couldn’t know how much time you two spent kissing but you were pushed away from it by another song. It had been already the middle of “Way down we go” by Kaleo when you realized what you were doing and pushed Carol away.

The woman looked at you with a puzzled look in her eyes. Her hair was disarranged and her lips were swollen from the passionate kisses exchanged between you two. “Y/N? Everything ok?” She asked but you weren’t really seeing or hearing Carol. You were deep inside a memory.

_It had been a quiet afternoon when you came back home to find Bucky, lying down on the couch with a book in his chest and music playing in the stereo._

_“Hello, old man.” You greeted and he turned his head at you with the biggest smile on his face. “Are you seriously listening music from an actual cd?” You asked as you realized that was exactly what he was doing. “Don’t you know there’s something called streaming?” You walked over to him and kissed his lips softly, smiling into the kiss. Bucky’s lips tasted of chocolate and coffee._

_“I don’t understand streaming.” He responded as he sat down on the couch and put his Russian copy of “The Great Gatsby” down on the coffee table. “Cd’s look more to what I was used to.” He shrugged. “I was walking downtown and found a little cd shop, since Steve has been nagging me to listen to some current songs. There was this music playing on the shop that struck me deeply so I brought the cd.” He said picking up the cd cover on the table so you could have a look._

_“Kaleo.” You read. “Oh yes, I’ve heard about them. That music “Way down we go” always makes me sad when I listen to it.”_

_“That’s the one!” He said, picking up and remote control and putting on the song you had been talking about. “That’s the music I heard on the shop.”_

_“Didn’t you find it dark?” You asked, carding your fingers though his long hair._

_“Yes.” He whispered. “It made me think about my life.”_

_“Oh, Bucky…” You could feel your eyes getting wet ._

_“Don’t worry about it, baby doll.” He said looking at you with loving eyes. Bucky leaned into you and kissed your forehead. “I’m happy now.”_

You were pulled from the memory as Carol placed her hands on your arms and you realized you were crying. She looked deeply concerned. “Are you okay?”

“We can’t do this, Carol.” You whispered to her. The music was still playing in the background and you could feel the tears coming more heavily. You stepped back from her and turned around so she wouldn’t see you crying. “I shouldn’t be kissing you.”

“Why not?” She asked and you turned around to look at her.

“Because, Carol!” You hissed. “We’re kissing when I can’t even go through the clothes of the love of my life yet!” You shuddered. “It’s not right. It’s not right to Bucky’s memory.”

“Bucky would want you to be happy, Y/N.” She said.

“Here’s not here to tell me that himself, Carol! So excuse me if I’m feeling a little dubious!”

“It’s not wrong for you to like me, Y/N.”

“It is.” You whispered. “I vowed to him that I would never love someone as much as I love him and here I am mere months into existence without him and I am already falling for someone new.” You choked on a sob. “Please go.”

“You can’t push me away, Y/N.” She gave a step towards you and you stepped back.

“Go away, Carol!” You yelled. “Please.” You whispered so faintly that you were sure she hadn’t heard.

“I don’t want to leave you alone.” She whispered. “I don’t want to go.”

“I can’t deal with this right now, Carol.” You said with shuddering breath. “Please leave me be. I’m begging you.”

She most have realized that you were being completely serious because she backed away. “Ok.” She whispered. “But I’ll come back. You can’t push me away forever. I won’t let you.”

After that she was gone and you crumbled to the floor in a sobbing heap as another completely different song played on your empty apartment. Your heart was just as vacant.


	5. Chapter 5

You avoided Carol again for the next three months. Since she wasn’t above breaking into your house as you had realized, you decided to take a time living with Natasha for a while after you settled your new living arrangements when you moved out of your apartment and into your new one. You told her you needed a moment to sort things out but she knew you were running away from Carol. 

“You’re being completely ridiculous.” She said one night as she placed a plate with a peanut and jelly sandwich in front of you on the coffee table and sat next to you on the couch. Natasha was the only one who still resided in the Avengers complex and you thought moving in with her would actually make her some good. 

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.” You said, grabbing the plate and un-pausing the horrible romantic comedy you two had been watching before Natasha said she was hungry. 

“You know exactly what I’m talking about.” You could feel her stare on you but you kept your eyes on the movie. “You running away from your happiness.” 

“I’m not running away from my happiness.” You huff. “I’m here with you, aren’t I?”

“Yes and as much as I appreciate your company, you and me both know that your happiness has a name, a title and a address and it’s not me.” 

You sigh. “It feels like I’m staining Bucky’s memory somehow.” You pause the movie again and look at Natasha this time. “I can’t help but feel guilty. I get to move on but he can’t.” 

“You have survivor’s guilt.” Natasha nodded. “You should go to therapy. It’ll help, it is helping Steve.” 

“I’ll think about it.” You said. “It’s just that every time I look at Carol’s beautiful face and smile I am reminded of who I lost and how much I loved and still love him.” You run a hand through your hair. “I’m hiding right now because I kissed Carol and it was great. For a moment I felt like everything was good in the world again. But then one of Bucky’s favorite songs played and it all came crashing down.” 

“You’re never gonna stop missing him, Y/N.” Natasha said seriously. “Even if you go to therapy and work out your issues, you’re still gonna miss him because we’re only human. Even Steve or Carol who has all these superhuman abilities, they are still human. They suffer just like us too. And I don’t think it’s fair to Carol the way you’re treating her. She clearly likes you and she has lost people in the snap too. She’s also hurting and you’re making her suffer more with your indecision. You don’t get to kiss someone who loves you and then disappear for three months with no regards to their feelings.” She said. “I’m sorry to dump all of this on you but you need someone to tell you the truth. You can feel all of these things and miss Bucky all you want but you can’t treat Carol like she’s a rebound, you’re better than that. Stop playing with her feeling like that and stand your ground. If you want to wallow in sadness and grief be my guest but do not lead her on like this. Give her some closure. The girl deserves it.” 

You sat there looking at Natasha for a minute, without being able to say something to anything she told you. Your first instinct was to be mad at Natasha but you knew she was right, so you only nodded at her, still lost for words. Natasha nodded, feeling like she had gotten through you and picket up the remote to un-pause the movie. Not being able to pay attention to the movie again, you shot Carol a text message asking to meet the next time she was on Earth. You weren’t sure if she would respond but she did, so the next day you were hugging and thanking Natasha and going back to your home. 

You met Carol only another month later since it was the time she was scheduled to come back to Earth. You decided to meet somewhere neutral, so you picked up a coffee shop near your new apartment. You watched her enter the establishment, spot you and go order her coffee. She was wearing a SHIELD gray cap over her short hair, sunglasses and her usual casual attire, consisting in jeans, t-shirt and jacket. She picked up her cup of coffee and sat across from you on the table. She did not look happy and you covered a wince by drinking your coffee. “Are you incognito?” Was the first thing that came out of your mouth and this time you did wince. Carol only raised an eyebrow to you over her sunglasses. “Usually this is how the Avengers dress when they’re trying to lay low.” You explained by pointing to her cap and glasses. 

“It’s a shitty disguise.” She grumbled. “You would think that master spies would be better at blending in.” 

You snort at her comment but instantly sober up again. “So Carol, I’ve asked you to come because I think we need to talk.” 

“Understatement of the year…” She mumbles and drinks a sip of her coffee. 

“You have every right to be mad.”

“Damn right I’m mad!” She whispered to me in anger. “But my anger wore off two months ago when I couldn’t find you anywhere and was completely concerned until Natasha sent me a memo telling where you were, now I’m mostly hurt.” You winced again. “I told you not to push me away but you went to great lengths to do it anyways.” 

“I know and I am deeply sorry about that.” You sighed. “I never meant to hurt you but I didn’t realize I was doing it by running away. Natasha has brought to my attention that I was being selfish by only considering my feelings and not yours.” 

“Yes, au contraire to popular belief I do have feelings too, Y/N.” She took off her sunglasses and now you could see why she was wearing them in the first place. Her eyes were red and she had deep dark circles under her eyes. “I was incredibly hurt when you threw me away from your home and then I became completely worried about you. I went on a big search for you. I even went to see Thor in New Zealand because I thought that maybe you had went there for a while. It never occurred to me that you would be in the most obvious place and I discarded it because it was too obvious. It wasn’t until Natasha told me where you were that I took a break. And then I was very angry. I was angry at you for running away, at me for being so stupid to fall for someone unavailable, at Natasha for taking so long to tell me where you were, at the universe.” She huffed. “But I eventually realized that I should give you space to figure things out and tell me what the hell do you want.” 

“You.” You whispered. 

‘What?” She asked alarmed. 

“I want you, Carol.” You said confidently. “It took me a long time to see it but I want you. I can’t promise you that I won’t doubt it sometimes or that I won’t miss Bucky with a part of my heart but I want you. I want to be able to love you as I do and not feel guilty about it. I want to let go of the past and I want to see my future with you. I want to have you as you are and I want you to have me as I am. But mostly I just want you.” 

“Are you sure?” She asked, trying to contain her hope. 

“Absolutely.” You smiled at her. 

“And you’re never going to run away from me again?” She asked. 

“Never.” You nodded. “I promise to stay back and converse like adults anytime we have a disagreement.” 

“Great.” She whispered and with that she kissed you.


	6. Chapter 6

You and Carol decided to take things slow after that. You started going to therapy like Natasha had suggested. If super humans could go and benefit from talking with a professional, why shouldn’t you?

You two kept going on a few dates for the next month and getting to know each other in a relationship setting. You found out that Carol was a bit possessive but nothing that you should worry about, in fact you quite liked when she was a bit more possessive. It reminded you that she was not Bucky.

Carol was quite a different yet similar significant other from Bucky. Both of them were caring, thoughtful, empathetic, mature, respectful, affectionate and everything else you looked for in an ideal partner. The only downside was that both of them had to be away from you for an extended period of time because of their work and sometimes you grew lonely. That only became worse when Carol was gone because you usually ended up in a pit of grief until she came back. You still had not been able to get rid of most of Bucky’s clothes and things and sometimes when Carol was far away you crawled into one of his shirts and slept in it. You knew it wasn’t fair to Carol but you couldn’t help yourself. You couldn’t let go fully of Bucky’s memory.

Bucky and Carol also had their differences of course. Carol was less serious, more open and more honest with you than Bucky was. They had both been lied to when they had no memory and made a weapon by their enemies but they had different approaches to it. Carol was a bit more guarded and distrustful than Bucky was because of it even if eventually she became more open and honest about her feelings.

You understood being guarded. That’s why you waited a total of one whole month of solid dating before taking Carol to your new apartment. Solid being a full month without Carol having to take off to another planet. A full month of dates with her firmly planted on Earth.

It had been a lovely evening. Carol had taken you to dinner and a movie were you two had a grand time before you felt confident enough to ask her to come to your apartment for a drink. You opened the door for her to enter and switched the lights on before taking off your coat. “Make yourself at home.” You said as you watched her look around your new place.

“Very nice.” She said with a smile.

“Thank you.” You smiled back. “Though Tony is the one to blame for such a nice apartment in New York of all places.” You made your way to the kitchen. “I only have beer and whisky.” You announced.

“I wouldn’t say no to a glass of whisky.” She said, taking off her own jacket and sitting on your confortable couch.

“Coming right up!” You said cheerily and you poured her drink and grabbed a beer for yourself. You made your way to your living room and handed her the glass before sitting next to her and opening up your beer.

“Cheers.” She said with a smile and you clinked your bottle to her glass.

“Cheers.” You said before both of you took a sip of your respective drinks.

“So… I’m finally in your new apartment.” She said with a smirk.

“Yep.” You smacked your lips the p letter on your response.

“Took you long enough.” She said with an amused tone.

“I know.” You groaned. “I just wanted to be sure that we were solid before bringing you here. My old apartment already had too many memories.”

“I understand.” She said while grabbing your hand and squeezing it lightly. “I’m glad you could find another place and someone to help you with it.”

You felt a pang of hurt at her words, but it was directed at you. You know Carol would had been with you throughout the whole moving process but you had pushed her away because of your own hang-ups. It hadn’t been fair to her. You leaned forwards and kissed her to abate the sentiment of guilt brewing in your heart. Soon the kiss turned heated and you found yourself straddling Carol’s la, your drinks all but forgotten on the coffee table. Carol’s lips were addictive, you couldn’t get enough of her as your hands ran through her short hair and hers grabbed your ass firmly. “We should move this to the bedroom.” You muttered hotly against her mouth as her hands slipped under your dress to toy with your panties.

Carol broke the kiss to stare at your eyes. Her pupils were fully dilated and her lips were swollen and red from your kisses. “Are you sure?” She asked, looking into your face to catch any sign of uncertainty.

“I’m sure.” You whispered back to her. “It’s time.”

She opened up the biggest smile you had ever seen and nodded. Carol slid her hands under your thighs and rose up, bringing you with her and causing you to gasp and wrap your legs tightly around Carol’s waist, gripping her arms for support. “God, sometimes I forget that you’re superhuman.” You say in a pant as Carol started walking you two to your bedroom. Somehow she knew exactly where to go without you having to say so.

“I would pick you up even if I didn’t have superpowers, sweetie.” She said as she opened your door and brought you two inside, tossing you on the bed.

“Hm, I’m not sure about that.” You said with a teasing smile. “You don’t look that strong.”

Carol gasped, offended. “Excuse me, have you seen my biceps?” She flexed to show you her muscled arms under her white shirt. “I should have you spanked for such blasphemy.” She said, tossing her shirt aside and leaving her top half bare. You had noticed earlier in the evening that she hadn’t been wearing a bra as her nipples hardened in the outside cold but you had erased the thought from your mind so you would not focus on that. Now you were fully focused, but still you couldn’t lose the joke.

“Is that a promise, Captain?”

Something flashed behind Carol’s eyes and made you squeeze your thighs together as you felt a new wave of arousal.

“Oh, don’t tempt me, baby girl.” She whispered and you shivered at her tone of voice. “You’re wearing too many clothes.” Carol muttered and then took off her own shoes first before she kneeled on the bed to help you get rid of your garments. She took off your heels, kissing the arches of your feet softly and massaging them as you squirmed on the bed, feeling ready for her to devour you. Then she started kissing the length of your legs, gliding your dress up to expose your black lace panties. Carol caressed your inner thighs for a while and just looked at you. “You’re beautiful.” She muttered, making you blush.

Your mind instantly flashed back to another time, in another bed, another apartment and with another person.

_“You’re beautiful.” Bucky muttered as he caressed your face. The moon’s glow shined through your curtains and illuminated his beautiful blue eyes as he rested above you. He had already divested you of all of your clothes and now only his boxers stood in the way of the coupling but he had stopped everything to caress your face and tell you how beautiful you were. It was in quiet moments like that that you realized how much you loved that man and how afraid you were to lose him._

Shaking your head to get rid of the mental image that suddenly struck you, you pulled Carol down by the loops of her jeans and crashed your lips into hers, hoping that the taste of her mouth would bring you back to the present with the woman you loved. Bucky was in the past. You still loved him deeply but you couldn’t let him interfere in your life with Carol.

“Feisty.” She muttered against your lips as you broke the kiss and you giggled. Carol helped you pull your dress over your head, leaving you in your bra and panties. She kissed you again, caressing your breasts over the bra as her tongue swirled against yours. The blonde quickly unclasped your bra and threw the offending garment away, looking at your breasts as she bit down of her bottom lip. Carol could feel her mouth watering at the sight. Never being a person that resisted temptation, she dived into your breasts eagerly, licking and nipping at your nipples. Your moans and tiny whimpers where like music to Carol’s ears, so she engulfed one of your nipples into her mouth while she played and pinched the other one.

Your hands were in Carol’s hair, as usual, tugging at the short tresses lightly and the blonde briefly wondered if you would be more forceful if her mouth was somewhere else. Carol was quite eager to find out. She traded nipples a few minutes into it but soon you tugged at her hair, so Carol released your nipple with a sinful pop and returned her lips to yours in a quick kiss, trailing her lips up your neck to your ear.

“So impatient.” She whispered against your ear, nipping at the shell softly and making you mewl.

“You’re still dressed.” You whined quite brattily at her.

“I’m gonna remedy that soon enough, calm down.” She said with a smug smirk as she slid her leg in between yours and pressed her denim cladded leg to your core, causing you to squirm. “So responsive.” Her smirk turned into a shit eating grin.

“Stop teasing, Carol.” You whined at her as she applied more pressure. It was at the same time too much and not enough. It was driving you crazy. “Please.”

Apparently begging was the right move because Carol kneeled on the bed again and undid her belt. The sight of her sliding her belt off sends a shiver down your spine and you suddenly had the urge to be spanked with it or choked. Carol apparently interpreted the look in your eyes correctly because she smirked and said as she tossed the belt aside. “Later.” From there she pulled her jeans down and tossed them aside as well leaving her in her plain white cotton panties. She laid her body on top of yours and began kissing you again. Feeling her breasts sliding against yours was making you wetter as ever so you slid your hands down her toned back and palmed her ass, massaging her globes firmly. Carol definitely had more boobs than ass but that didn’t diminish how amazing her bottom was.

Carol’s breasts were quite perky, with rosy nipples and you really wanted to taste them so you rolled you two on the bed, stopping on top of Carol and eyeing her amazing boobs. You quickly leaned down and lapped at the pink nubs, sucking it lightly and scraping it with your teeth as you stared into Carol’s eyes. Carol had never been one that got off on her nipples being sucked, quite frankly, most of the time she found it tedious and only indulged because her partners seemed to like it, but with you it was another thing entirely. She actually felt her cunt clench at nothing when you flicked her tongue against her nipple, watching it harden right before your eyes.

“Fuck.” Carol muttered as she pulled you out of her breast and kissed you hungrily. “Lay down and let me eat you out.” Carol said as she broke the kiss and you groaned as you did as she wanted you to, laying down beneath the blonde.

With that Carol slid down on the bed and got face to face with your black underwear again. You could feel the blonde's hot breath against the damp lace of your underwear, making goosebumps appears on your skin. Carol kissed the covered center lightly squeezing out a gasp from your lips.

Carol's hands grabbed at your panties and pulled them down slowly and steadily, just prolonging the wait. Soon the panties were off and you were nude beneath her. Carol’s hands slid against your thighs, grabbing at the flesh there with gusto as she placed one of your legs on her shoulder, so you could be entirely open and at her mercy. You were sure that you were incredibly wet and swollen and a look at Carol’s hungry gaze confirmed your theory.

“Fuck.” She mumbled in awe as she spread your labia with her thumb and forefinger, making you hiss lightly at the cold it ensued on your nether region. Carol didn’t wait as she flicked her tongue against your engorged clit, making you moan. Her tongue was doing sinful things against your sex and the slurping noises coming from the act were only making you wetter. Carol surely knew what she was doing. You felt your body squirming against the bed, like you didn't had any control over it. You could only hear as your own voice screamed Carol’s name over and over as she brought you over the edge, making you orgasm so hard that you blacked out for a second.

When you came to again she was laying down next to you with a soft smile as she caressed your hair out of your face. Her face was red and her lips were swollen but she looked happy. “Well, hello there sleeping beauty.” She said and you glared at her.

“Don’t look so smug.” You said to her and she laughed, caressing the frown in the middle of your forehead.

“Hard not to.” She said with a fond smile.

“Well lay down miss, ‘cause it’s your time to be enchanted.” You said as you rearranged her body to lay down on the bed were you had previously occupied. Carol looked amused at your antics.

“Have you ever done this before?” She asked.

“It’s been a while but I’m sure it’s just like riding a bicycle.” You said while scooting down to the middle of her legs.

As you took off her underwear, you realized it was just like riding a bicycle because that night you didn’t relent until it was your name falling off her lips in a scream as she reached her climax.

“There’s something different about you.” It was the first thing Steve said to you as you entered the room in the Avengers Compound where you would meet with them for your weekly get-together. Today was pizza day and Natasha had chosen a terrible Russian film that you were sure was going to make you sleep in twenty minutes, which was great because you hadn’t gotten much sleep in the last days, wink wink.

“Isn’t it obvious?” Natasha said as she appeared behind you, holding a box of pizza in her hand. Steve was carrying the bulk of the other boxers. There were only three of you but Steve ate like a horse so multiple pizzas were appreciated. “She got laid.”

Steve almost dropped the boxes of pizza he was holding. “WHAT?” He looked at you in alarm. “Really?” The alarm dropped from his face as you nodded. “Good for you.” He said with a smile as he sat down on the couch and opened the box of pizza.

“I want to know all the details.” Natasha said sitting down next to Steve and grabbing a slice of pizza. Steve frowned mid bite.

“I do not want to know the details.” He muttered.

“C’mon Steve just because you don’t get laid doesn’t mean you can’t hear the deets from your friends.” Natasha winked at him with a smile and he glared at her. It was nice seeing the two of them act naturally again. “Now tell me, how big is Carol’s strap? She looks and acts like it’s HUGE!”

“Oh c’mon!” Steve groaned, dropping his half eaten slice of pizza. “I have to work directly with her, I don’t wanna have the mental image of how big her strap is!”

Natasha laughed out loud and you couldn’t help but giggle at Steve’s antics. “Let’s just say that she literally is the epitome of big dick energy.” You can’t help but say and Steve groans even harder dropping his body on the couch as Natasha and you laugh copiously.

“I hate you all.” He mumbles with his head tucked under a pillow.

“I knew it.” Natasha says to you with a high-five. “I am satisfied for now.” She nods as she grabs a slice of pizza, you do the same. “Now, let’s watch my movie.”

The months pass by as you and Carol become more and more enamored with each other. You two host game nights with your friends, go spend a weekend at Tony’s and she even takes you to a trip to another planet on one of Tony’s aircrafts. All is going splendidly well but you are still plagued by the ghost of Bucky’s memory in the most random of times. He was present in a phrase Carol said, in a similar situation, in the rain and the smell of ozone as soon as a lightning struck. Bucky’s spirit was in an old time music on the radio, in the back of a man on the street with long hair, in the clothes that you still hadn’t been able to dispose yet, he was everywhere you looked.

Carol had been extremely understanding so far and that only made you feel guilty. It would be easier if she resented you or if she was jealous but she wasn’t. She was the perfect understanding girlfriend even when you closed yourself in your room sobbing as you clutched one of Bucky’s shirts. She was perfect and that was eating you alive.

“She’s perfect.” It was what you told Thor in your monthly skype call. He had gained a few more pounds and his hair was almost reaching his chin now, looking at the same time dry and grease. You had no idea how he managed that feat.

“And what’s the problem with that?” He asked, drinking straight from a bottle of soda and burping right after.

“She’s the perfect girlfriend, Thor and I’m a fucking mess!” You exclaimed at him, willing him to pay his full attention to you.

“You’re not a mess.” Although he didn’t do anything you could hear the quotation marks on the “mess”. “You’re grieving.”

“I’m a grieving mess!” You exclaimed and Thor rolled his eyes. “Excuse me, did you just roll your eyes at me?”

“You’re not a grieving mess.” He said seriously. “I’M a grieving mess, you’re just trying to deal with your baggage.” It was left unsaid that Thor wasn’t dealing with his.

“I’m going to therapy.” You said in a whisper. “And it’s helping.” You admitted. “But sometimes it’s not enough.”

“I understand.” And he really did. “Sometimes the pain is too much and it needs to burst out at all costs. Carol understands that too.”

“I know but I feel like it’s not fair to her. She didn’t sign up for this.”

“She did. She “signed up” for you.” This time he did the air quotations with his fingers. “Carol knew what she was getting into when she started dating you. She knew what she was getting into the moment she laid eyes on you and she still wanted you. Carol is not a child, Y/N, she knows what she’s doing and she is glad she is doing it. What’s not fair to her is having you doubting her and your relationship like that. She doesn’t deserve that.”

You sigh. “You’re right, thank you Thor.” You said with a smile. “Now what’s up over there?”

After that he launched on a rant about his videogames epic battles and he turned into the goofy Thor again, leaving all seriousness behind.

When you completed two years of relationship, you asked Carol to move in with you and she had said yes. You two threw a housewarming party to celebrate and when she brought her boxes to your apartment you realized you had to get rid of Bucky’s to comport hers. Somehow, you heart told you not to get rid of it and you still couldn’t depart from it so you rented a storage room for Bucky’s most valued possessions and put it all there. Just in case, you heart said.

The day that Carol finally moved in and organized all of her stuff in the home that was now yours, was one of the happiest days of your life, until the night came. You were accustomed to Carol sleeping over but somehow tonight was different as you two got ready for bed. The atmosphere was different. Now it wasn’t just your home anymore. Not a hint of Bucky remained inside that house since now it had been replaced by Carol. Even if he had never lived there, the presence of his stuff made the house his as much as it was yours and now it was all gone. As you laid down next to Carol that night on the bed you hadn’t given it much thought. Yet.

_You found yourself in a scorched field. You were dressed in the night clothes you had slept in that night but the place you were in was unrecognizable. There were bodies everywhere around you as the trees burned and the ground was ashes._

_“You have abandoned me.” You heard his voice behind you, making you turn around quickly as you hair whipped in your face. Your mouth tasted like ashes too. Bucky’s face was dirty with grime and his eyes were the most bottomless pools of blue filled with despair. His cheek was cut and bleeding and his hair was caked with blood. “You’ve forgotten about me.”_

_“I didn’t.” You stepped closer to him but the more you walked closer the further away he seemed. You couldn’t reach him. “I could never forget you, Buck. I love you.”_

_“You don’t love me! You never loved me!” He yelled at you. Bucky had never yelled at you before. “If you did you wouldn’t have someone else in our bed!”_

_“Of course I love you.” You could feel that you were crying as your vision blurred. “I’ll never stop loving you.”_

_“I bet you’re glad I’m dead and you could get rid of me.” He spat out. “That’s the only reason for you to act like a little slut and sleep around with someone else.” The venom in his voice was also something that you had never heard from him before._

_“Bucky!” You yelled at him. “Don’t say that.”_

_“Now I see that I shouldn’t have loved you in the first place.” As he talked, he started to turn into ashes right before your eyes. “You’re not worth it.” You realized that your legs could move now so you ran to him as he faded away. When you were close enough to reach him he turned into ash completely leaving your hands stained with what used to be the love of your life. You fell to the ground and started sobbing as you gripped the ashes in your hands._

You woke up sobbing with Carol’s arms around your trembling form. She was muttering comforting words but you couldn’t hear a single thing she said. All you could see and remember was the look in Bucky’s eyes as he dissed you out. The rational part of you knew Bucky would never say those things to you but you were too frazzled to think rationally right now so in between sobs you told Carol what he had said to you.

“Y/N, I have never met Bucky but I am 100% sure he would never say those things to you.” Carol mumbled seriously against your hair.

“I know.” You panted out. “But it means that I would say those terrible things to me.” You burst into tears again. You were aware that you were staining Carol’s shirt with your tears and mucus but she didn’t seem to care. “It’s not fair to you, I’m sorry I’m such a mess.” You sobbed out.

“You’re not a mess.” She muttered as she kissed your temple softly. “I love you, Y/N, I’m not going anywhere.” She said.

“You do?” You whispered in a tiny voice, not letting yourself believe that.

“Of course I do.” She said seriously. “I’ve never loved someone as much as I love you and that scares me but it’s the truth. I am irrevocably in love with you.”

“I love you too.” You whispered back and she smiled softly at you before kissing you tenderly.


	7. Chapter 7

After that, your dreams with Bucky started to dwindle down. You weren’t sure if it was because you were getting better or because you took a sleeping pill just before going to bed as your doctor instructed but the frequency you dreamed with him started to slow down and one day you realized they were gone and soon your doctor decided to cut off your sleeping pill. You still slept like a baby after that, especially when Carol was sleeping next to you. You never imagined that you would love someone with the same intensity that you had loved Bucky but here you were. Carol was everything you needed. 

“I’m gonna marry her.” It was what you said that same week as you entered the room where Natasha and Steve were for your weekly encounter. 

Steve stopped in his tracks and Natasha froze mid bite as they both stared at you in shock. 

“For real?” Natasha asked, swallowing her mouthful of sandwich. 

“Yes.” You sighed, sitting down next to her on the couch. “I am considering.” You said. 

“That’s wonderful news!” Steve exclaimed. 

“Is it though? Because my brain can’t help but wonder that I was supposed to be married to someone else.” You sigh, letting out the horrible thoughts going through your head as you first thought about asking Carol to marry you. “It feels a bit like cheating, like I can have this experience but he can’t.” 

“Your brain will never stop wondering.” Steve stated with a faraway look on his face, probably reminiscing his time with Peggy. “But that doesn’t mean you should shy away from happiness. It isn’t cheating because you’re not linked with Bucky and even if you were, he’s gone now. You deserve to move on. We all do.” 

“Steve is right, you know. Part of you will always feel that way but your heart moved on, your mind should too.” 

You pondered in your friends words with care but you knew that you hadn’t completely moved on as they had stated. You might love Carol but it wasn’t with all your heart. Part of it was still Bucky’s and would always be. There was nothing you could do about it except accept it as the truth. 

So you brought the ring, settled on a nice home cooked meal and was ready to pop the question that night when Carol got home, when she called you and said something had come up and she would need to stay out of the planet for a few more days. You felt disappointed that all was going to waste but it was her job and you respected that so you ate the food alone while watching a reality show on Netflix. The ring was put back in your pocket where it wouldn’t leave until you popped the question to her. Unbeknownst to you that was the day that everything took a turn because it was the day that Scott came back from the Quantum Realm. The next days passed ordinarily until you received a call. A dreaded call from Steve, which had you dropping everything and coming over to the Avengers Compound. 

It couldn’t be true. Natasha couldn’t be dead. When you got there they were all staring at the lake with grim faces, but you couldn’t help but yell at them for the stupidity they had done and that it had cost another life. You could feel Thor embracing you as you cried but your sobs couldn’t be smothered. You were so tired of crying. It felt like you were always losing and never gaining. 

“Did you even get the fucking stones?” You asked as you rubbed your eyes, hoping that Natasha’s sacrifice wasn’t in vain. Tony nodded. “Great, let’s have a funeral for her. She deserves at least that. I don’t care if it’s the end of the world, we will mourn my best friend.” 

So for a moment you let go of your anger and went to help your friends prepare a funeral for her. It was the least they could do to honor her memory. 

Later, when the ceremony was over and everyone went to grieve on their own you found yourself sitting in the kitchen with Tony as you passed between yourselves a bottle of whisky. “I can’t believe you of all people would be stupid enough to risk everything like this, Tony.”

“I had to try if it meant bringing everyone back.” 

“Yes, but at what cost?” You said. “Certainly it wasn’t worth Natasha’s life. At least not for me.” 

“But it was worth it for her.” Tony said with finality. “And we shouldn’t dishonor her sacrifice like that just because we disagree.” 

“I can’t believe you all still gonna go through with it.” 

“Now we have to go through with it. For Natasha.” 

“It might bring everyone back but it won’t bring her.” With that you drank the rest of the liquid and walked out of there. 

That week you couldn’t reach Carol in any way and that made you incredibly anxious. You wanted her comforting words and care as your loving girlfriend but you also wanted her there in case shit hit the fan with your other friends and they needed heavy backup. Carol was unfortunately unreachable, at least to you. 

You also couldn’t stop thinking about the implications if your friends succeeded in bringing everyone back, like they wanted to. If they managed that feat, Bucky would be back from the literal dead. You had no idea how that would make you feel. You still loved him deeply and part of you wanted to see him again, to hold and to cherish. But you had moved on with your life. You had Carol now and you were happy. Or at least trying really hard to be. 

Of course you wanted Bucky alive, you wanted that more than anything in the whole world. But you had no idea what that would entail to your future. That was something to think at an another time, because right now you were worried about Carol. You hadn’t heard from her in weeks now and that wasn’t unusual, sometimes she travelled to places where she was unable to communicate with Earth, but you were feeling a pressure in your chest at everything that was happening and her presence usually calmed you. 

Later in the week you realized why you felt that pressure in your chest, when the Avengers Compound blew up and you knew all of your friends were there. The moment you heard the news you left everything behind, got into your car and sped off towards there, not caring if a battle was happening or not. Unfortunately the Compound was not close to your new apartment so while you were driving like a madwoman towards there, the battle was in full swing. 

It took you a while to get there and when you finally parked your car, everything was quiet, devastated and on fire. You panicked for a moment as you walked on that scorching and decimated landscape, trying to sidestep the bodies and you prayed that none of your friends were in those piles. You finally found someone alive and you sighed in relief as your eyes passed through your friends. Without registering anyone else or why they were looking so somber, you found Carol in the crowd as she appeared to be in a deep and serious conversation with Steve. 

“CAROL!” You shouted and she immediately looked at you. It was a good thing she was strong because you didn’t give her any warning as you barreled into her and jumped into her arms as you hugged her fiercely and buried your moist face in her neck. Carol held you easily as you wrapped your legs and arms around her and squeezed you, inhaling the scent of your hair and sighing. Steve nodded at her once and squeezed your shoulder as he stepped away from you two. “I was so worried.” You said, muffled against her skin but she understood you anyways. 

“I’m sorry I couldn’t get here sooner.” She whispered against your hair. “I… have to tell you something.” She said and you shook your head as you looked at her. 

“Not right now.” You said as you wiped away blood and grime from her cheek. “I just want to look at you for a second.” You said and she smiled. You leaned and gave her a soft kiss and then you rested your forehead on hers and you just breathed each other in for a moment. 

“Y/N?” You had never heard your name be uttered in such longing and you instantly recognized the voice as you looked away from Carol and faced Bucky. 

“B-Bucky?” Your voice trembled as you uttered his name, feeling like it had been years since you said it out loud. His face was also covered in grime and dried blood but he looked exactly the same. With your heart pounding in your chest, you disentangled yourself from Carol, who let you down without a fuss, and made your way to Bucky on shaky legs. You didn’t run to him because your brain hadn’t fully registered the situation yet. You stopped in front of him and reached up with trembling hands as you framed his face, feeling his coarse beard against your palms. “Are you real?” You asked, feeling your voice fail you at the last syllable. 

“I am real.” He said with a soft smile as you felt your eyes well up with tears. 

“Oh Bucky!” You hugged him fiercely, burying your hand in his hair. Bucky let go of the rifle he was holding in one hand and hugged you back, finally feeling his legs giving out as you two dropped to your knees. “I missed you so fuckin’ much.” You said in a sob and he chuckled weakly as he also felt his eyes welling up. 

“How long was I away?” He asked, breaking the hug just slightly to look at your face but still maintaining possessive hands around your waist. He realized your hair was shorter from when he last saw you but you still looked pretty much the same. 

“Five years, Buck.” You said with a sniffle and he gasped. 

“Five years?!” He said and you nodded. 

“A lot of things has happened since.” You said and just like a reminder of what had changed, Carol placed a warm hand in your shoulder, making you break your gaze from Bucky to look at her. Carol’s face looked the same but you knew it was just a carefully placed mask. She was concerned and worried. You broke away from Bucky’s arms and got up from the ground as he did the same. His hand was still in your waist and there being touched and in between the two people that you loved most in the world, your felt that familiar pressure in your heart. 

“There’s something else that you need to know.” She says simply. Her tone giving away nothing. “It’s Tony.” She finally sighs and her mask cracks, letting you see in advance what she’s going to say. “He sacrificed himself to kill Thanos. I’m sorry Y/N, but Tony is dead.” 

You weren’t sure if you had any more tears left to cry to a fallen friend but you had your answer as your tears fell. Carol hugged you as you cried and you could feel Bucky’s warm and comforting hand in your shoulder, but that only made you cry harder


	8. Chapter 8

After a while you could contain your crying and you broke away from them. They both sported expressions of concern and the sight was too much for you to bear. “I should go find Pepper and pay my respects.” You said. You didn’t wait to hear their replies as you walked away as quickly as you could from there. 

You found Pepper easily enough. She was wearing the armor that Tony had built for her and Nebula was next to her with a hand on her shoulder. “Pepper.” You called out and she looked up. “I’m so sorry.” You said and you both embraced each other as you two shed a few more tears. “I’m here for you for everything I can help it.” You whispered into her ear. 

“I need to make arrangements.” She said with a sigh. “Gosh, I can’t even fathom how I’m going to tell Morgan.” She whispered. “Or Happy.” 

“We’ll help you.” Nebula piped in.

“You’re not alone in this, Pepper.” You completed. 

“Thank you. I really appreciate it.” She squeezed your hand in hers. “It appears you also have something to deal with.” You turned to where she was looking and saw Carol and Bucky talking with serious expressions on their faces. “You should go.” She says and you sigh. 

“I’ll call you, ok?” I say as I see her nod and then I walk towards them. They stop talking as soon as I approach, which means the subject was me. 

“I still have to wrap some things up here.” Carol starts. “I invited Bucky to crash on our place until he gets everything sorted out.” She says and I feel a mixture of relief and annoyance. “You should drive him there, this way you two could… talk.” She says. This is Carol’s way of being supportive. She usually figures everything out without asking for your opinion and that really peeved you out most of the times but you were too tired to argue with her, especially when you felt grateful for the chance to talk with Bucky alone. You merely nodded and she leaned over to kiss you, changing trajectories in the last minute and kissing your cheek instead. It hurt you to see her change something that was so natural in your relationship due to the circumstances. You couldn’t help but think that she was hurting too. You and Bucky walked towards your car in silence and remained that way for the first 20 minutes of the trip, like you were strangers in an Uber carpool. 

“So you and Carol live together.” He started and you shouldn’t have such a strong reaction because you hadn’t done anything wrong but you winced. 

“We do.” I say. 

“I don’t want to impose.” He said a little awkwardly. 

“You won’t.” You said quickly and then the conversation stalled for more twenty minutes. “This is an unusual situation.” You cut the silence with a sigh. 

“It is.” He says with a sigh as well. “You and Carol are together, then?’ He asks with a carefully neutral tone of voice. 

“We are.” You said. “It didn’t happen right away.” You completed.

“You don’t have to explain yourself to me.” He was quick to say. 

‘I know I don’t but…Damn it Bucky!” You smack the wheel in frustration. “ I don’t know what to say to you. This isn’t fair.” You confessed. 

“Life usually never is.” He mumbled out. “I’m happy for you.” He said and you felt your eyes brimming with tears. So much that you had to park your car in the side road so you wouldn’t drive you two into a truck. 

“You shouldn’t be saying this, Bucky. You have a right to be angry.” You turn to look at him. His face looks impassive. 

“And what good would that make?” He turned to you. Although his face was blank, his eyes denounced how hurt he was and the sight brought new tears to your eyes. “I’ve been gone for five years, I can’t blame you for moving on.” 

“But you should!” You said. “You should be angry at me right now!”

“Why?” He whispered in a tired tone of voice. 

“Because I am!” You grit out. “I’m so angry at me right now! I should have waited for you, I feel like such a terrible person!” 

Bucky sighed and grabbed my hands in his. His hands were calloused and engulfed mine in his warmth perfectly. “You’re not a terrible person, Y/N. You thought I was dead, and hell, I might as well have been!” 

“I mourned you for so long, Buck. I missed you every day and everything I saw reminded me of you. I couldn’t dispose of most of your possessions and every music I heard on the radio reminded me of your smiles, your eyes, your kindness…” You smile weekly as you caress his face lightly. “I love you so much and when you were gone it felt like a part of me was gone too. I was living like a half person for so long and then I met Carol and she made me feel something. Something different. I love her too but I haven’t stopped loving you a single day.” 

Bucky had stayed silent as you talked and he sighed when you were finished with your onslaught. 

“I’m sorry you had to suffer like this.” He said. 

“It’s not your fault.” You said quickly. 

“But it is.” He sighed again and ran a nervous hand through his hair. “Maybe if I wasn’t there during the snap…” 

“You couldn’t know this.” You whispered. 

“I know but I at least would have been with you.” He whispered back. He caressed your face fondly. “We should go, we can resume this conversation later.” He said softly and I nodded, wanting to postpone all the decisions that we would need to make. I turned back to the road and turned the key, bringing my car to life once again. You drove home in silence for the rest of the trip.


	9. Chapter 9

“Welcome to my humble abode.” You say awkwardly as you both enter your new apartment. Bucky looks around at the décor and the pictures of you and Caro looking happy that were strewn on the walls.

“Nice apartment.” He simply said and you sighed.

“Tony helped me get it.” You choked as you said Tony’s name, not really believing that he was gone. Two of your best friends were gone forever and the love of your life was back from the dead. You couldn’t wrap your head around it. “The guest bedroom is on the end of that corridor.” You point, trying to rid your mind of Tony’s and Natasha’s smiling faces. “There’s a bathroom as well if you want to take a shower.” He nodded. “Ok, I’ll bring you some clean clothes.” You watched as Bucky made his way to the corridor and as soon as he was gone, you sighed.

You went into your bedroom and opened up the drawer where you kept Bucky’s clothes for those moments when the pain was too much to bear. You knew it wasn’t healthy but some things you weren’t able to leave in the deposit unit and now you were glad for your unhealthy coping mechanisms. You picked up a soft shirt that you had cried into too many times over the years and some basketball shorts. You made your way into the guest bedroom intent on leaving the clothes on top of the bed but Bucky left the bathroom as soon as you turned around to leave and you two stopped awkwardly and just stared at each other. His hair was wet and dripping into the floor and you remembered how much the habit drove you crazy when you two lived together. Now the sight only made your heart ache. He had a white towel draped around his waist and you couldn’t help but notice the way the little droplets of water slid against his muscular pectorals and abs. You cleared your throat and looked away as you blushed. He still had the same effect on you.

“I brought you some clothes.” You said, motioning with your head to the clothes you had left on your bed.

“Thanks.” He answered in a whisper.

“I’ll make you something to eat.” You said, starting to walk away from the bedroom.

“You don’t need to.” He said and you looked at him again. It felt like a dream watching Bucky standing in your guest bedroom.

“I want to.” You smiled softly at him and he returned your smile. You two just stared at each other for a moment, drinking in the moment. “I’ll let you change.” You said walking out of the bedroom and closing the door behind you. As soon as you had closed the door you sighed deeply, trying to center yourself.

You went to the kitchen and opened your fridge to think about what you were going to make. Pancakes were a good neutral food for a moment like this, so you grabbed the ingredients that you needed to make it. You soon lost yourself in the motions, not noticing when Bucky joined you. You startled when you turned around and saw him sitting in the kitchen table, just watching you. When you two were together you hated how he was able to sneak up on you no matter how focused you were.

“You startled me.” You said with a little chuckle as you placed the plate of blueberry pancakes in front of him.

“I’m sorry.” He said. “Blueberry pancakes?” He asked with a little tilt to his lips.

“Yeah, your favorites.” You smiled back. It was silent for a moment as Bucky cut his pancakes and ate it.

“These are great, thank you.” He says after swallowing, so you cut into your own slightly smaller portion of pancakes and you two eat in silence for a moment before Bucky cuts the silence. “So what now?”

You are confused for a moment before you realize that he was talking about the situation that you all found yourselves in.

“I have no fucking idea.” You whisper as you dropped your hand into your hands, trying not to pull your hair at the frustration and pain of it all.

“I’ll move in with Steve.” He said simply and you looked at him.

“You don’t need to do that.” You say but he shook his head frantically.

“We both know that I can’t stay here. I only took Carol’s offer today because I wanted to talk with you.”

“I don’t want to lose you, Buck.” You say, feeling tears brimming in your eyes.

“You’ve already lost me once and you ended up fine.” He said with a bit of a bite to his bitter words.

“I don’t want to lose you again. Never again. I can’t take it.” You said and he sighed, running a hand through his hair.

“I don’t want to lose you either.” He whispers.

“And you won’t.” You say fiercely and Bucky chuckles, but there’s not a hint of humor in his laugh.

“I already lost you, doll.” He looks at you with red rimmed eyes and that’s when your tears finally fall.

“I’m so sorry, Bucky.” You whispers back at him.

“No, no!” He grabs your hands in his and the metal of his hand makes you shiver at the familiarity, much more than from the cold. “Don’t you dare apologize, you didn’t do anything wrong, doll.”

“Then why do I fell so shitty?”

“Feelings are hard.” He simply said and you hated the fact that he was consoling you while he should’ve been incredibly angry.

“No shit.” You say and you both share a watery self-commiserating chuckle.

You stay like this for a moment in silence and holding hands before Bucky sighs. “I should go.” He tries to get up but you hold his hand tight so he just ends up sitting again.

“Please don’t.” You whisper.

“I’ll stay until the morning then.” He says and you nod.

You two fall into a familiar pattern as you wash the dishes and he dries then and for a moment if feels like everything is the same and he wasn’t away for five years. But your little happy bubble is burst when Carol calls you to let you know that she won’t be able to make it home tonight because there were still too many things to take care of at the Compound. Part of you thinks that maybe Carol just doesn’t want to come back home when Bucky was still there.

You two part ways to get ready for bed and as you’re brushing your teeth into your own bathroom, you have an idea. A terrible idea. You look into your reflection in the mirror and judge yourself for a full minute before you square your shoulders, finish brushing your teeth and exit the bathroom. You are wearing one of Carol’s old and ratty band shirts that is too big for both of you but is confortable as hell. You make your way to the guest bedroom and knocks on the door before opening it, not waiting for a response. Bucky is laying beneath the duvet but he isn’t asleep. “Can I sleep here?” You ask, bunching the hem of your shirt nervously in your hands.

‘This isn’t a good idea, doll.” He says with sad eyes. “How about Carol?”

“It’s just sleeping.” You whisper. “Please, we might never get another chance.” You say and that seems to soft him up because he nods. You make your way into his bed and lay down beneath the duvet, resting your head on his chest. Bucky instantly holds you in his arms and you both sigh at the feeling. It feels like home being there in Bucky’s arms. If you weren’t entirely confused before, now you definitely were a mess.

“Good night, doll.” He whispers.

“Good night, Bucky.”

_Bucky was looking at you. He gave you a long look up and down, biting his bottom lip. You would recognize that look anywhere. It was hunger for you and your body. You were always amazed at how much Bucky could convey his lust for you in only one look, but he managed to do just that. One look from him and you were already trembling._

_You two found yourselves in a brightly lit room with white curtains blowing in the wind but it wasn’t cold as it appeared. You didn’t know where you two were but it didn’t matter when Bucky was looking at you like that._

_He caged you until you felt the bed in the back of your knees and then you were forced to sit down because he kept inching forward. His face was right in front of you and his arms were on each side of you. Bucky didn’t say anything, he just dropped on his knees in front of you, his hands gripping your thighs just the way you liked it._

_“Bucky…” You whispered, without that much strength behind it. In the back of your mind you knew what you were doing was wrong, but you couldn’t remember why._

_“Shh.” He said, pushing your legs apart with his rough hands._

_“We shouldn’t be doing this.” You whispered back at him but he ignored you. You didn’t sound that convincing in the first place._

_He kissed your inner thigh while he started to push your dress up your legs. You shivered. You gasped when you felt his hot breath against your panties. Bucky looked at you beneath his lashes and gave you a smirk. He had the face of an angel but every time he smirked it was like he had the power to drop every pantie owned by women around the world. It just had that effect of instant lust and you weren’t immune to it. He had the most shameless smirk. He gave your covered slit a long lick from bottom to top, making you moan and shudder in surprise. You could feel the warmth of his tongue and the slickness of it even covered. Bucky, the bastard, only gave a chuckle, his eyes crinkling at the corners. You could feel the vibrations of his chuckles hit dead-on your clit, making you squirm in your seat._

_“I don’t think you’ll need these for now.” He said, while pulling your panties off your body and baring your sex to him. Bucky pocketed your panties and something told you that he was not going to give them back, at least for a while. He rearranged you, putting one of your legs above his shoulder and the other he pulled apart with his hand, keeping you open to him. You blushed and he chuckled as he kissed your inner thigh again, caressing your legs with his hands softly and also effectually teasing you further._

_“Bucky!” You whined and pouted. He laughed again but complied with your request and delved his tongue into your sodden folds. He knew exactly where to prod, lick and suck to make you see stars, and he was sure doing it now. His tongue made circles around your clit slowly and then fast, changing rhythm so you wouldn't get comfortable enough. He was still teasing you, licking against your folds erratically, making you moan and giving you some relief but not nearly enough. “Bucky, please.” You begged. You could feel his smug smirk against your pussy but he complied, sucking against your clit and pushing two fingers inside of you, making you moan loudly. You could feel your foot pressing harshly against his back and your hand went directly to his hair, messing it further and pulling at it. This only fueled Bucky’s desire to get you off._

_You could feel his tongue pushing inside of you at the same time as his fingers, pressing against your inner walls and rubbing against your most sensitive places. It was only a matter of time until you came. His beard scratched against your sensitive thighs making you squirm in your seat and you would probably get a get beard burn but you didn't cared._

_It was when his fingers curled inside of you and he gave your clit a nice hard suck with a flick of the tip of his tongue that you came._

You opened your eyes and panted into the darkness as you felt a telltale moistness in between your legs. Bucky was pressed behind you with his arms around your waist and you stood unmoving for a moment before you realized that he was still asleep. You exhaled in relief before you wiggled and felt the pressure of his hard cock against your ass. You tried to scoot away but in his sleep, Bucky pulled you closer to the heat of his body and ground his erection against you, almost making you moan at how good it felt. You were on the cusp of waking him up so you two could reenact your dream before you remembered. **Carol.** You were with Carol now and it was wrong to wish Bucky that way. You had crawled into bed with him to sleep and sleep only, and that already had been a bad decision. You couldn’t hurt Carol that way, you loved her too much. And you also couldn’t hurt Bucky that way either. He was already hurting enough. Everyone was already hurting enough. You knew that if you tried to leave, Bucky would wake and that would be awkward for everyone one, so you managed to turn in the bed, so you were facing the ceiling and Bucky’s huge erection was poking your thigh instead of your ass.

You remained awake the rest of the night.


	10. Chapter 10

That morning was very awkward but thankfully Bucky’s erection had gone down after you changed positions so it wasn’t as awkward as it could get. 

“Good morning, doll.’ Was what he said in that deep and rumbly voice of his when he woke up. You couldn’t help but smile, because Bucky’s sleepy voice always put a smile on your face. 

“Good morning.” You said and you two stayed silent for a moment just looking at each other. You had missed waking up with Bucky. You missed the way his hair looked all disheveled and how happy and free he looked when he woke up and looked at you at his side. But today his gaze wasn’t happy but sad. “What?” You couldn’t help but wonder. 

“I just want to look at you and commit your face to my memory.” He said caressing your cheek slightly. 

You closed your eyes and a tear fell and he wiped it away.

You two got up a few moments after that, even if getting up was the last thing that you wanted to do. You went back to your room where your bed was still made perfectly. You felt guilty for not having missed Carol when you went to sleep. You usually always missed her. You changed clothes and went back to the kitchen where Bucky was already dressed in his combat boots and pants but in the shirt that you had given him yesterday. He was making French toast and the sight made you smile sadly. He always made French toast when he needed to leave you and maybe that was the last time he would make them. You two sat and ate in silence, dreading the time you would drift apart. After everything was eaten and the dishes were washed, you took him to the door. 

“I’ll come back by Steve’s this week to give you the key to the store unit with your things.” You said and he nodded. The only reason you hadn’t given him the key yet was because you wanted to see him again and you both knew it. 

“Thank you for letting me stay here.” He said and you nodded. “Take care, doll.” He tried to smile at you but it didn’t reach his eyes. 

“You too.” You said. 

He had one foot out of the door before he reeled himself back in and muttered under his breath. “Fuck it.” You didn’t had time to ask him what it was before he was seizing you in his arms and kissing you deeply. Kissing Bucky again was also like coming home. You lost yourself in the kiss, burying your hands in his hair and he brought you closer to his body. It was a welcome home kiss but also a goodbye kiss. Bucky poured all of his love for you in that motion and you tried to do the same. You didn’t want to let him go but you had to. Bucky was your past but Carol was your future. And even if you still loved him, it wasn’t with all of your heart because Carol had a big part of it as well. You were divided between the two greatest loves of your life. Bucky ended the kiss and you were both crying. “See you around, doll.” He whispered against your lips and you nodded. 

And then in a flash, he was gone and you felt cold without his body pressed against yours. You closed the door in his wake and slid down it as you cried for the love that you had lost. 

Carol found you much later laid in a fetal position on the couch as she got home. She remained in her Captain Marvel uniform but the grime had been washed away from her face. She saw you and instantly went over to you, sitting on the couch as you placed your head of her lap. “How are you doing, baby?” She asked in a soft voice as she brushed the hair out of your face. 

“Bucky left. He’s going to stay with Steve.” You said. “It’s just that seeing him again brought to the surface all those feelings, you know? I missed him for so long and now here’s here alive and well and somehow it feels like my grieving was all for nothing.” 

“It wasn’t for nothing.” She said. “For you, he was lost for good.”

“This is a fucked up situation. For all of us.” You sat up so you could stare at your girlfriend eyes. “Thank you for being such an amazing person, Carol. I’m not sure I could have been as understanding as you are being about this.” 

“I just want what’s best for you.” She whispered and you leaned forwards to kiss her. 

“That’s why I love you.” You say. 

Carol sighed in relief when you told her that you love her. “You know, part of me was afraid that you would go back to him and I would be left as a simple rebound.” She said and you gasped. Carol usually never demonstrated vulnerability, so you were glad that she was letting you know that she had insecurities too. 

“I still love him, Carol.” You said because it was true. “I’ll never stop loving him, but you’re not a rebound. The way that I feel about you is completely different about the way that I used to feel or that I still feel about Bucky. You’re my whole future.” You said, thinking about that ring that was hidden somewhere in your house right now. You meant every word of it. Although your heart still ached for Bucky, Carol was your whole life and you were deeply committed to her and the love you two shared. “I’ll never run away from this relationship because I am incredibly and irrevocably in love with you.” 

Carol smiled brightly at you and leaned forwards for a soft kiss. The ring could wait for a few more months when the time was right. But you knew the day would come. Sooner rather than later. Your complicated relationship with Bucky would, however, have to wait. Everything you felt for him was still there, but tucked away and burrowed deep in the depths of your heart to be revised later. You also knew that these feelings would be revised sooner rather than later. But right now you were happy with the love of your life as you looked forward to a bright future with her. Everything was well. 

For now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is the end of this installment. I wanted drag out the angst a little more but I felt like this fanfic should end here for now. I'm not sure if I'll write a sequel or not but the chances are high because I still want to explore more of this mess of a relationship. 
> 
> I hope you enjoyed this fanfic.


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